The past 2 weeks havesucked.That’s it. There’s no other way to say it. And, no I don’t want to get into it.
OK, FINE. Let’s start with my birthday-
January 29th. A bittersweet day— minus the sweet part. It was the first time in my life I’ve ever turned 44 years old. It might be the oldest I’ve ever been.
Honestly, I like the sound of 44. I love even number ages. They just sound nicer. Forty-four hits different for me, though. It’s the age my mom gave birth to me. And my whole life it was such a huge deal when people found out she had me “so old”. And now I’m that same age! But I still feel fifteen.
Anyway, I had no time to even deal with the age part because 10:30am on my birthday morning, I get a call from my crying fiance who was just abruptly let go from her job. A long and unfair story for another time, but the point being: a gut-punch of anger and ickiness hit me at that moment and hasn’t let up since. I haven’t been able to write, be creative, or feel any sense of hope for the past 2 weeks.
Then there’s the fuckin guy from The Apprentice giving me an ulcer on top of everything else.
I had to delete social media and stop myself from going to news apps. I mean, Jesus Christ, you’re 78, man. What’s your problem? What are you terrorizing us for? Here’s a novel idea: Prove everybody wrong and do some good for the world before you leave it. Imagine if you took this guy’s same attitude but used it to— I don’t know— Help people?!? Make people’s lives better?! Imagine how much good you could do. But, of course, that’s not in him because the one trait all evil people share is lack of empathy.
Anyway, when you feel stuck in life and hopeless you try to seek hope somewhere in the outside world, but he’s making that real tough right now. And since there seems to be no one out there who can successfully stand up to him, you’ll forgive me if I feel a little fuckin’ out of sorts lately.
And in the midst of all of my depression and anger over the unfairness and uncertainty in this world, you know what happened?
I completely lost myself.
I don’t remember my dreams or my goals anymore, I don’t seem to have any valuable skills anymore. I’m just kinda— stuck. I wanted to write so I could continue my weekly streak, but had no clue what to write about. And every essay I did start felt disingenuous compared to how I was feeling on the inside.
So I guess that’s how we got here. This is my journal now. And for the first time in two weeks, I feel like myself again.
